Time Keeps on Slipping

I have been missing from my blog for the past week or so, because I returned to the "real world" last week.  My son's 4 year old birthday party forced me to return to society last weekend.  It was the first time that I have seen my friends and family since Lauren died.  It was my son's birthday and we made it all about him.  He had a dinosaur cake with his picture on it and all of his friends.  I sort of floated through the day, saying "hi" and taking pictures to avoid much conversation, but it wasn't as horrible as my mind thought.

I also went back to work on Monday (against my doctor's wishes - long story for another post).  To my shock and surprise nothing has changed.  It's the same work and it still sucks.  I think I am supposed to write behind that sentence, but I am grateful to have a job (I am pretty sure that is the politically correct thing to write).  For weeks I have had nightmares that I would walk into my job and just fall on the floor sobbing, but I didn't.  I walked in and no one was there.  I saw a butterfly sticker on the window near my desk (butterflies was going to be theme for Lauren's nursery) so to me it was like Lauren saying hello and letting me know that I was going to be able to make it through the day.  It's hard when you don't have a job you love and you have to return to it after a tragedy.  It's really hard, but I made it through the week.

I did learn a hard lesson over the past couple of weeks.  The world doesn't stop just because you have stopped.  Things move on with or without you.  People forget and time keeps on slipping.  So what do I do with that lesson.  What do I do now that I realize that even though I was stuck, life went on.  The hardest part is even though some things have changed, most things have remained the same, but not in a good way.  On September 27th after Lauren died, I became a different person.  Unfortunately, nothing around me is different, only me.  I am reminded of the time I tried to learn to double dutch jump rope.  I remember standing there watching the two ropes spinning trying to figure out when to jump in, if I could just get the timing right I would be able to jump in with no problems.  But, if I got the timing wrong, the rope would get all tangled up in my feet and I would fall flat on my face.  I never learned to double dutch, I can't remember if I fell down and never tried again or if I just watched the ropes turning and was to afraid to jump in.  Today, I am standing watching the world turn, watching the days slip by and wondering what to do.  I don't want to jump back in like nothing ever happened, like Lauren never lived and like I am the same old me (pre-Lauren), but I also don't want to just stand on the side being crippled by fear.

Am I going to fall flat, am I going to be too afraid to jump in or I am going to get the timing just right and learn amazing new double dutch moves?

Daring to Dream Again,
Von