Roller Coaster - Ticket for One

As promised, I finally looked up the stages of grief.  I am not sure if I thought that a website link would tell me that grief will last exactly two months and one day or if some how finding out what stage of grief I was in would make me feel better, but neither of these were the case.  I looked at site after site, longing for a time frame, no one would say.  Although, I knew that no one held "the magic answer", but I was really hoping for one.

I did however, find site after site using the word "roller coaster" and ups and downs.  If you knew me, you would know that I DO NOT like roller coasters or ups and downs.  I love amusement parks and Disney World is the best place on earth, but roller coasters or rides that take you "up and down" are not in the least bit amusing to me.  I don't like that feeling in your stomach when a ride takes you up then down really fast.  However, I have been "peer pressured" a couple of times to ride on these hideous monsters called roller coasters.  I normally sit next to the thrill seeking person in my life that called me a "chicken" and coerced me using taunting tactics to ride with them.  Our roller coaster cart climbs the hill and I am sitting there with a giant knot in my stomach knowing that we are going to have to get down this hill.  Their hands go up in the air and they start screaming  "YAY" and I sit there bargaining with God with my eyes squeezed tight, saying "if you just let me off of this ride I will do whatever you want, for real this time.  I will take mission trips, read the Bible every day, and I promise you I will never get on this ride again".  Then I question if my seat belt is buckled properly.  After the ride ends, I generally don't speak to the person that sat next to me on this ride for about 15 minutes.

I really think it is the lack of control that I don't like.  I do not like planes, trains, buses and public transportation, because I am not in control of the driving.  I don't like riding in automobiles driven by other people (you have to be really special for me to ride with you and if you drive crazy just one time, I will NEVER ride with you again, EVER, really ever).  I do not like not knowing what is going to happen.  On my last trip to Disney World, right before I would get on the ride, I would ask the "ride attendant" what exactly is going to happen on this ride, is it going to go off the ground, is it going to get dark, I need to know what is going to happen exactly.  I don't like things to be unpredictable, like roller skates, in-line roller blades, bicycles without training wheels, motorcycles, things that go too high, things that go too fast (and so on).  You will never see me jumping off of any thing, being flung into the air or any of that.

So, you have to know that during my grief research when I read that I was going to be on this endless roller coaster of emotions, I became very distraught.  I knew I was feeling up and down, but I didn't want to know that I could be fine for a few months and then have a total random melt down.  "YAY", I can't wait for that (written with a ton of sarcasm).

Even, love!  I love, love.  I am a hopeless romantic, you know the kind, candle lights, rose petals, dancing and the whole nine yards, but I hate that feeling of falling in love.  Seriously, I remember a few months after meeting my husband, I was so mad at him that I was falling in love.  I hate falling, doesn't that mean that I was high on something and I fell off?  Either way, I remember having these emotions that I couldn't control (I liked him, no I hated him; no, I loved him, no let's break up, no let's stay together forever).  It was crazy and I didn't like the feeling, I couldn't control it and I went kicking and screaming into love with my husband.  Did I say kicking and screaming.

So, in writing this blog entry, I realize that I have a control problem.  I inherited it, I really did, you should meet my mom, aunts, and grandmom "super control freaks".  I realize that I can not control my life and that is something God does, but I would love to make plans that work out.

One good thing about my research on grief is that I found out that cleaning up is often a sign of grief.  I have cleaned closets, dresser drawers, and kitchen cabinets that have been messy for years.  I organized mail and bills and have thrown away a mountain of trash, recycled five boxes of magazines, and took 6 car loads of things to the Goodwill.  I even cleaned out my car (the trunk and the glove compartment).  My husband has changed around furniture in rooms, cleaned out the flower beds and fixed things that have been broken for years.  I thought that somehow Lauren's death brought out the inner organizer in us, but turns out it is just a part of grief (We needed something to control).  I am so glad that I did not run out and get business cards printed up saying "personal organizer to the stars" or something crazy like that, because apparently this too shall pass and my natural "hoarder" personality may return.

So here I sit today, some how on this grief coaster.  Right now, I am hanging on for dear life, I have my eyes squeezed shut, I'm bargaining again to God (the ride attendant) and asking Him what exactly is going to happen on this ride, how long is it going to last, and is my seat belt buckled properly?  I know He is in control and that somehow just like the Zippin Pippin this ride will end.

Daring to Dream Again,
Von

(P.S. - for my non Memphis readers, the Zippin Pippin was the oldest wooden roller coaster in the United States originally located at Liberty Land in Memphis, TN (the location of my first job, ever).  Made famous for being Elvis Presley's favorite roller coaster.  I googled the Zippin Pippin and it has its own blog and web cam.  The roller coaster is being moved to Green Bay, WI and this Memphis girl does not plan on going to WI to visiting or ride the coaster.)

Below are pictures (proof of my hatred of all things up and down) that I took of my husband on rides at Universal Studios in my role as official picture taker.  :-)  You should have seen his green face after getting on these coasters and rides.  For some reason, I think his eyes were probably squeezed shut too, but he would never say that out loud.  Good thing he doesn't read my blog.

Today's Toddler Tip - (Tips from my 3 year old son)

My Son - "Mommy, boys can't touch bun buns".
Me - What do you mean, bun buns?
My Son - "You know mommy, bottoms.  Boys can't touch peoples bun buns."
Me - (in a very concerned and serious voice)  That's right.  Honey, did you touch someone's bottom?
My Son - "No Way, that's dangerous!  Really dangerous!"
Me - That's right son, really dangerous.

Toddler Lesson for the day - Rather its hot cross buns, hot dog buns, honey buns, or bun bun's, if it belongs to someone else, don't touch them.  That is really dangerous.

:-)

Daring to Dream Again,
Von

It's been one month, now what... (Letter to Lauren)

Dear Lauren Victoria,

One month ago today, you went to be with the Lord and your two brothers (Peter and Peyton). I love you so much baby girl, you were the most beautiful little girl ever made.  You were such a little fighter and a strong baby.  I remember how you would take out your tubes and move your eye mask around.  Everyone was so amazed at how well you did and how feisty you were.  You were defying all the odds, but then your tiny 1 pound body just got too tired.  I cried as I watched your daddy hold you and tell you how much he loved you and how sorry he was as you took your last breath.  We felt so helpless. 

I don't know when I will quit counting the days since you left or when the tears lessen, but I miss you.  I can see your little face in my dreams and certain things remind me of your smell.  I haven't figured out what I am supposed to be doing now that you are gone.  I realize that I am still a wife to your dad and a mother to your brother, but everything seems so off now.  I have this intense feeling of emptiness and moving on seems impossible.  Your dad tells me that you want me to be happy and live my life to the fullest, but I just haven't figured out what my life is without you in it.

It is so hard to give up the dreams that I had for you.  I dreamed of fixing your hair even though, honestly, I think your nana was going to have to fix it, because I have no idea how to do a little girl's hair, but I had this dream of learning.  I dreamed that we would have the type of relationship that I have with my mom and we would have mommy-daughter days.  I dreamed of watching all of your "firsts", your first smile, your first laugh, your first word (which, I'm sure was going to be mama :-), your first step and your first day of school.

I still haven't figured out this grieving process.  I don't know what is right or wrong.  I don't know if there is a such thing as crying too much.  I don't know if maybe I have listened to too many sad songs.  I don't know if I have kept myself closed in my room too long or laid in the bed for too many hours.  Honestly, mommy just doesn't know much of anything these days.

I'm sorry mommy's body didn't hold you in my womb longer.  I am so sorry, Lauren.

Lauren, I want you to know that way you fought to survive was the "strongest most courageous thing " I have ever seen.  I just can not express how proud I am of you.  Mommy is never going to forget you.  Mommy is going to figure out how to make your life matter, at least to me.  Mommy is going to figure out where to go from here, but I am going to take your memory with me.

I love you so much Lauren Victoria and I miss you.

Love you forever and always, Mommy

Come One, Come All, Come See the Pregnant Man with Prison Braids??? (More Grieving Mother Ramblings)

I promise I am going to look up the stages of grief to see what stage I am in, because this roller coaster of emotions either means I am a normal grieving person or I need medication. (Honestly, I probably needed medication years ago).

So, after a chance encounter today I have decided that I feel like a circus/carnival act.  You know the ones at the local fair where you pay tickets to walk inside and see the bearded lady, the smallest man alive, the human donkey.  So come one, come all, come see the girl with multiple baby losses.  I know, I promised to be more upbeat on this blog, but today was a little blah (I have an upbeat story at the bottom of this entry if hearing my grieving rant is too sad).  Today, I finally ventured outside of my room and outside of my house in the real world and I saw this lady that knows me and also knows that Lauren died.  At first, I pretended not to see her, but she turned around to say hello.  We held a mini-conversation and she did not mention anything about Lauren.  She talked to me as if everything was normal.  She did give me this really pathetic look, the look of oh, you lost another baby, but she still didn't mention her.  It really makes me feel sad when people want to talk to me like things are normal.  I'M Not Normal.  My baby girl is dead and that's not normal.  I don't really know what I wanted her to say or if I would rather her just not say anything to me.  For some reason, I have this need to say Lauren's name and for the people around me to at least say her name, because I want her to matter.  I don't want sympathy or people to feel sorry for me, but I want her life to be more than the four days she spent in the NICU.  I don't really know how I want people to respond to me and this is the reason that I still have not been able to talk to my family and friends.  It is really unfair of me to have these random expectations of people and I don't even know exactly what I expect.  I do know that I don't want people to stare at me like I am contagious and I don't want to hear anything negative, like stop trying to have children.  I don't want to hear that for some reason it is better that Lauren is gone, now she is my angel.  I really just wanted my baby girl here at my house with me, my husband and her brother.   So once again, I feel bad that I was even bothered by this chance encounter.

Today, is Lauren Victoria's 1 month birthday.  Happy Birthday Mommy's Princess!  So, maybe this is why I am a little sensitive today.  (See, there was a reason for my roller coaster mood).

Pregnant Man With Prison Braids??? -- A Story From Bed Rest Land
In an effort to be more upbeat.  I am going to tell you about a conversation that I had with my doctor while I was on bed rest at the hospital. 

I have not had my hair relaxed (straightened) in about 2 years, due to an unfortunate relaxer/color incident.  Anyway, I had been at the hospital for 3 days when one of my antepartum nurses walked in and asked me if I needed anything.  I looked at her and said, "Can, I ask you a question?" and she says "sure".  I asked her if there were other African American women on bed rest on this floor.  She gave me with the weirdest look and she was almost to stunned to answer me (apparently this was the most politically incorrect, violation of privacy questions that she had been asked all day).  She hesitantly answered yes and I said, "well, will you ask them what they are doing with their hair?"  She laughed sort of with a sigh of relief, because I don't think she knew where I was going with my question, but she said she would ask around.

A few more days passed and my mom decided it was time to do something about my "bird's nest" - the new nickname for my hair.  It was so sad, she tried combing my hair, which had now turned into a giant matted afro.  As she combed, I was reminded of my childhood, when I would scream and cry as she combed my hair because it was so tangled.  I was trying to remind myself not to cry and that I was 33 years old, but gosh she was really hurting my head.  So, finally we decided that the only thing that could be done to my hair was for her to put cornrow braids in it.  I call them prison braids.  I want to note that I have never been to prison and have never actually seen people in prison with these braids.  I apologize if calling them prison braids is offensive :-).  I called them that because I looked like Queen Latifah from the movie "Set It Off" and she had just gotten out of prison.

The other problem during my pregnancy was the hair on my face was growing like weeds.  When I am not pregnant, I do have to admit that I grow a few facial hairs here and there (okay, quite a few), but nothing like this.  One day for some reason, my mother gave me a mirror and I was devastated by the reflection.  I could feel the hair on my face, but seeing it was horrible.  Quite a few of the hairs on my face were even grey.

I couldn't believe that all of people that had been in my room (my family, friends, the nurses, the doctors) and not one of them mentioned the fuzzy bear that was growing on my face. 

Being on bed rest, is probably one of the most "Un-Cute" times you will ever have, but come on, I was turning into a pregnant man with prison braids and a grey beard!  My doctor comes in and I asked him, if I was his first pregnant santa claus man patient and he laughed so hard that I thought he might pee his pants.  Apparently, he must have thought I looked like a pregnant man, too...

Thankfully, my friend Lisa brought me a few colorful scarfs for my hair and my mom gave me a couple of razors and the problem was solved :-)


Daring to Dream Again,
Von

My Red Shoes

So, today I'm better, thank you for all of the support.  (I am so blessed to have such great blog friends already).

On a lighter note, I want to tell you all about my red shoes.  The infamous red shoes.  You need to know a little background about me that I am a fairly simple girl. When my husband and I were dating he described me as "low maintenance".  I was so mad at him for saying that to me.  I really want to be high maintenance, well sort of.    I don't get the latest name brands, I buy shoes from Shoe Carnival, purses from Target, jewelry from Claire's.  I don't really shop a lot or get my nails done that often.  I need to note though that inside of my mind, I am a princess!  I think the real issue is that I am really just kind of frugal, not that I don't want nice things, but honestly after the loss of a child, your perspective changes and things aren't as important anymore.

Now, back to my beloved red shoes.  For some reason, 18 months ago, I wanted to buy these shoes called Crocs.  Honestly, at this point they were out of style, but they were still overpriced.  I wanted some shoes that I could just stick my feet in without doing much work.  I don't know if I was just going through a lazy stage or what was wrong with me.  So, one day I was in Wal-Mart and I saw a big section of imitation, pretend, Crocs.  They were probably called Croos or some other generic name.

I looked through the vast amount of shoes and the only ones they had in my size were red.  I think they were like $5 so, I said what the heck, I will buy them.

Since that day, my red shoes and I have been on a journey.  I took them to Disney World,  New Orleans, Mobile, Gulf Shores, Huntsville, and Florida.  I take them out to eat and to the store (not just on quick errands - its so sad).

Lately, me and my red shoes have been inseparable.  For some reason my husband never says, why are you wearing those hideous shoes outside.  He actually never says anything about my red shoes.  I don't know if he is just the best husband ever, feels sorry for me, or just too cheap to tell me to go and buy new shoes.

I looked down at them today and I kinda feel bad about the shoes.  They never match the clothes I wear and I can just imagine what other people think when they see me in these crazy red shoes.  I was thinking maybe I should retire the shoes, but I stuck my feet in them again today and said, maybe not.

I think the red shoes are like me - a little tired, a little worn-out, they have been through a lot, but they are comfortable, loveable, and fun to be around and they are a little funny looking.

For now, my red shoes and I will continue our journey to the park, to the mailbox, to 5 star restaurants (just kidding)

 A Few Pictures of Me and My Red Shoes

 My red shoes and Goofy in Disney World November 2009

My red shoes in the back yard last weekend

Me and my shoes taking a break

Daring to Dream Again and Wearing Red Shoes While Dreaming,
Von

Today, I'm Not Okay (The Ramblings of A Grieving Mother)

Actually yesterday, I wasn't okay either.  I am not exactly sure what the stages of grief and loss are or how long its socially acceptable to grieve.  But, today, I am not okay.  I am emotionally everywhere (sad, hopeful, happy, angry then sad, hopeful, happy and angry again).  I am angry at my friends and family for assuming that I should be fine.  I am angry that maybe my "acceptable" time for grieving my daughter is done. I am angry that it is the holiday season and I have to plan when I am supposed to be in the hospital holding Lauren in my belly.  I am angry that people anticipate that I am going to be the same Von I was last year.  I am not, and maybe it is only temporary, but I am not the same Von from this time last year.  I am not the same girl that will laugh at your jokes even when they aren't funny, that will listen to your problems and try to find the solution for you, that wants to help.  Today, I don't feel like helping and I don't want to go places, hang out, talk on the phone or be normal. I am not normal.

Today, I am trying to figure out if I agree with the statement that it is better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all.  Is it really?  My husband and I were so pleasantly surprised by our little miracle baby.  We were not trying to get pregnant, but we were overjoyed.  Yesterday, I thought what if this year were different and I had not found out I was expecting my baby girl, there was no bedrest, no NICU stay, no baby in a grave, would I be happier right now?  Probably, but does that I mean I wish she never came, no...

I feel bad for being so emotionally all over the place.  I feel bad for "checking out" as my husband describes it. I feel bad for crying when my son mentions his sister and how she isn't coming to our house.  I feel bad for the people I have not been able to talk to on the phone or let come to my house.  I feel bad that I don't want to come over for Thanksgiving or Christmas.  I feel bad for even typing this blog entry today.  And then I feel angry for having to feel bad....and then I feel bad for feeling angry.... This sucks.

Maybe these emotions are coming up because today we have been dealing with the insurance company, the social security people, finding out about Lauren's death certificate. or maybe because the couple of times, when I finally answered the phone, the people on the other end, didn't even mention Lauren like she didn't exist and they talked to me like nothing ever happened and/or I should move on.

Today, I can't move on, I can't pretend for the sake of others that I am okay.  I can't fake laugh for you to make you feel better.  I can't move on, because today, I am not okay..

And Honestly, I am not even in the mood to "Dare to Dream",
Von

P.S. - I do know that it is going to get better.  I do know that God has a plan, I do know that God is with me, but today He feels a little further away than normal.  Today, I'm just not okay

October 15th - As God Would Have It

Yesterday, October 15th was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

I woke up early and wrote the story of my angels to post on my blog. I also found a couple of websites that related to the day. I added my picture to the website Iamtheface.org http://www.iamtheface.org/?page_id=2586 (my picture is on the last line second picture). I added my angels name to the gone to soon list http://www.iamtheface.org/?page_id=2901 (my angels names are on the 9th row from the bottom). I also found the site http://www.facesofloss.com/ it has a lot of resources if you search around.

As God Would Have It
I don't believe in coincidences. So, I feel that God purposed my husband to check the mail today and in the mail were the pictures that Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep came and took of Lauren the day she died. I thought how perfect was it to receive her pictures on October 15th, the day I would be lighting a candle to remember her and her brothers. At 7pm, I lit candles for my four angels. (I moved the candles after the first picture)..

Earlier today, I took pictures of my son putting the stepping stone he decorated into the garden. My son made a stone for his sister and it is so cute (definitely made by a 3 year old). Here is a picture of the memory garden so far..

Still needs work, but in the picture you can see the bush in the middle that came from Central Church. And in the far right corner is the rosebush from my friend Christine.

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

The pictures we received from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep were so beautiful. NILMDTS is a non-profit organization that takes pictures after the loss of babies. It seems morbid, but to the parent of a child in heaven it is irreplaceable. Here are a few of the pictures of my Lauren Victoria. And in true Von fashion, I will create a video with all of the images soon....

Me and My baby Girl 

Her daddy holding her 

Touching her daddy's hand 

Holding Mommy's hand 

Lauren and her papa (my dad) 

Lauren and her Nana (my mom) 

Lauren and her daddy with his ring on her tiny hand. 

I love her so much, I miss her so much, I just wish I could wake up from what feels like a terrible dream...

Daring to Dream Again, 

Von

The Story of My Angel Babies (Remembering Lauren, Peter, Peyton and Baby C)

Angel Baby Peyton Micah Charles - July 13, 2004

In 2003, after a few years of marriage, my husband I decided it was time to have a baby.  We were so naive to believe we were just going to make a baby.  If only it was that easy to just make a decision to have a baby and 40 weeks later a healthy little baby showed up.  What happened to the stork dropping off the baby at the front door?  If you guys find the number to the stork, please email it to me :-)

After a year of negative pregnancy test results, I decided to become knowledgeable about the process of baby making.  I purchased a computer program called "ovusoft" and began taking my temperature with a basal thermometer.  Within 45 days the computer program told me that I was pregnant and to go buy a pregnancy test.  I took a test and this computer program was right, we were pregnant!!

I was so excited and my due date was December 25, 2004 (what a Christmas gift).  A few months later, I was getting ready for church on Sunday July 11, 2004.  That morning I woke up and realized that I was 16 weeks pregnant and the "first trimester miscarriage stage" was behind me.  I felt myself breathe a giant sigh of relief, because friends and family would constantly remind me that I wasn't safe until I got past 3 months.  My husband and I went to church and then to Perkins for breakfast/lunch.  I got home and felt really weird.  I went into the restroom and my water broke.  I actually thought the baby had come out.  I screamed for my husband and told him the baby fell out.  He looked in the water and said the baby wasn't in there. We rushed to the hospital and found out that my water had indeed broke, but the baby was safe and sound.  I was told there was a 5% chance that my amniotic sac could reseal.  I was put in the hospital and stayed there until Tuesday, July 13, 2004.  I thought I was having "gas pains" but turns out I was having contractions.  I asked the nurse if I could get up and go to the restroom and she said that I could.  I felt something weird again and reached down and could feel the baby's leg.  The nurse rushed me back to the bed and I delivered Peyton Micah Charles.  He was was so tiny, yet perfectly formed.  He was born without a heartbeat and into the arms of God.  I was rushed to surgery, because I lost too much blood.  I remember them wrapping Peyton in a blanket and putting him under my bed as they rolled me to surgery.

We were told that what happened with Peyton was a "fluke" it would never happen again.  They called it Premature Rupture of the Membranes (PPROM).

I didn't get any pictures of Peyton, but I had this box with his little hand and feet prints, but in a really weird strange string of events, the box is gone.  All I have of Peyton is the memory.

Angel Baby Peter Noah - December 10, 2005

I grew up an only child and always wanted my parents to have more children or adopt more children.  They never did, but I have always dreamed of adopting children and having biological children.  My husband and I decided to start the adoption process.  In early 2005, we found out that we were chosen to be the forever family for a little baby boy.  We were so excited!  We had recently moved to our current home and painted one room pink and one room blue in anticipation of filling those rooms with little blessings from God.  This baby was going to be a preemie and could come any day.  We rushed to the store and got all the baby essentials and our loved ones showed up with bags and bags of clothes.  So we were ready!

In September, I was picking up my mom to bring her to my house for our neighborhood's garage sale.  On the way to my home we were involved in a 4 car accident.  There was an accident a few cars up and everyone came to a stop.  Four cars back a car didn't stop and my mom and I could hear the impact of that car hitting another car, then we heard another impact and then "BAM" we were hit.

I was taken to the hospital and surprisingly found out that we were expecting a baby due May 28, 2006.  I looked at the ER doctor and said how are we expecting a baby, we are adopting a baby any day now.  Well, we decided that we were just going to have our version of twins.  A few weeks later we found out that the adopted baby's family was going to keep him.  It was sad, but we thought that maybe this was God's way of saying twins would be too much for us.

So, then another baby boy became available and he was due on December 14, 2005.  So, my husband and I decided we would try our version of twins again.

I was about 14 weeks pregnant and found out that my cervix was opening and I was rushed to the hospital for an emergency cerclage.  At 15 weeks and 6 days gestation on December 10, 2005, my water broke and my husband rushed me to the hospital.  After a few hours, Peter Noah was born without a heartbeat into the arms of God.  He was also very tiny, but perfect.  The hospital took pictures of Peter and I have a memory box of Peter (I will post pictures soon..)

We found out a few days later that while I was in the hospital delivering Peter, the birth mother of the adopted son we were expecting was in another hospital delivering him and her family decided to adopt the baby.


In 2006, we were chosen 2 or 3 more times to become the adopted family, but something would always happen.  Finally, in December 2006, God blessed us to become the forever family to our son.  He was the Christmas present of 2006.  God is so good.

Angel Baby Girl Lauren Victoria - September 23 - 27, 2010
(this is the short version of Lauren's story - I will write the longer version on her memory page)


In 2006, I found a new OB GYN, she is awesome!  She sent me for test and they discovered a few things that were wrong and decided that when I got pregnant again, I would get a preventative cerclage early in the pregnancy, I would be put on bedrest from the day I found out I was pregnant and I would have to give myself a blood thinning shot every day in my stomach.  For this reason, we had not completely given up on having natural children, but it was not at the top of our things to do list.

I  went to the doctor for my annual appointment on May 12, 2010.  I was met with the surprise and very unexpected news that I was pregnant.  I began the daily shots immediately and was scheduled for the surgery on July 19th.  On August 16th, we found out our baby was a GIRL, finally a little girl to fill our pink room.  We also found out that day that my cervix was opening and I had funneled to the stitch (the cerclage).  I was put on bedrest at home until the next appointment.  Monday, August 23rd, I was sent to the hospital for bedrest where Lauren and I lived for 31 days.  We were trying to make it to 24 weeks because that is what is considered viable for babies.

Everything was going great until Wednesday morning, September 22nd, when my water broke.   Lauren was only 23 weeks 4 days gestation and the NICU doctors refused to help her live if she was born.  My doctors had to fight to get the NICU to help her and at 1:26 am on Thursday morning, September 23, 2010 Lauren Victoria was born weighing 1 pound and 10.5 inches.  She was the most beautiful baby girl in the world.  She went to the NICU and before 24 hours she was taken off of the ventilator because her lungs were doing so well.  She was a feisty baby, pulling out her feeding tube and oxygen over and over.  She had this super tiny cry and a head full of hair.  So cute.  On September 27th, Lauren Victoria went to be with the Lord and her brothers.  Her electrolytes got off and affected her heart.  She fought so hard and I am so proud of her.

Visit her memory page to see videos and pictures of her - http://dreamsrecovered.blogspot.com/p/rembering-lauren-victoria.html

Angel Baby C - Summer 1995
The story of baby C is hard to tell.  It is a story filled with the guilt,shame and regrets of a teenager and the cost of low self esteem.  It is a hard story to tell about a 17 year old that was striving to be perfect, making straight A's and looking for love in all the wrong places.  A 17 year old that was "engaged" to a guy that didn't really care about her and found out she was pregnant, as was told that she had no choices.  A really sad story of abuse and pain.  It is hard to write about Baby C, but Baby C was my baby.  I desperately wanted this baby and I love this baby so much.

"I Think God Can Fix It"

This morning I woke up and my son told me that his stepping stone was broken.  (We created stepping stones for all of our children to go in the memory garden in our backyard. My mom and I decorated for my angel babies and my son was responsible for painting and decorating his stone).

So here is the conversation.  "Mommy, my stone is broken."  I said, "well, that's okay buddy, we can throw it away and get you a new one."  He looks at me with these giant eyes and says, "I think God can fix it."

My heart smiled.  If my three year old can believe that God can fix his broken stone, I can believe that God can fix my broken heart.

Pictures of the memory garden Coming Soon..

Daring to Dream Again,
Von

Dreams of Sugar and a Big Thank You!

So, today I told people about Lauren Victoria's memory page.  It was a pretty emotional decision to tell people about it, because until now I have grieved alone in my room with the door closed.  I did not want to make my family and friends feel sad or feel sorry for me, but I knew that they cared about Lauren and never got a chance to see her.  I did not realize that they had hopes for her too, dreams of her coming over to visit them and holding her, outfits picked out for her and presents for a baby shower.  I knew that my husband, son and parents had a vested interest in Lauren, but I selfishly forgot about others.  There is this saying at church (probably just African American churches) "charge it to my head and not to my heart".  Honestly, my heart was just breaking and I couldn't see the pain of other people.  I didn't realize that because people love me that they hurt for me. When we left the hospital after Lauren died I felt so unloved and alone.  I shielded myself from others because of the fear of being hurt by their words.  I could not bear any more hurt.  After I lost my sons Peter and Peyton, the words of my family and friends cut deep and I can still hear them 6 years later.  Words like "Oh, just have another one", "maybe your body doesn't want to be pregnant", "you shouldn't try again", "what is wrong with you", "God is just testing you", "God wanted your child as an angel" and I could go on and on.  Dear Blog Friends. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, don't say these types of things to your grieving family and friends.  Having another child never replaces your lost children.  My sons Peter and Peyton although they died at birth meant so much to me.  They were my children and their lives mattered to me.  When the people closest to me made it seem like their lives did not matter, it just broke my heart.  I decided that this time, I was not going to let anyone in to break my already terribly broken heart.  So, I didn't answer the phone,emails, Facebook messages, text messages or the door.

Little did I know that you guys were hurting too.  Today, I just want to say THANK YOU for sharing my daughter with me, for visiting her page, for watching her videos and showing that you think her life mattered to you.  THANK YOU so much for caring and loving my family.  We appreciate your prayers and your love.

(DISCLAIMER - If you know me personally, you know that I talk a lot and apparently I type a lot too :-)  So sorry!  Honestly, this blog as been my only outlet, so I promise that as time goes on, the entries will get shorter and happier.  Also, I really do have a college degree, so please disregard the poor English on my page.   I often go back and read what I wrote and say - I can't believe I published that entry with those fragments or improperly written sentences.)  

Okay back to the Sugar Dream. :-)

Today I dreamed about Sugar.  I was sitting on the couch eating a big bag of white sugar with a spoon. I got tired of eating that sugar and decided to grab a bag of brown sugar and started eating it with a bigger spoon..... I woke up and could taste sugar like it really happened.  I even went into the kitchen to see if maybe I really ate sugar, but thank goodness it was just a dream.  I am wondering what that means.  Maybe it was my body's way of saying, "hey, give up sugar".  WELL, maybe not :-)  I think it was saying sweet things are coming and sweet dreams will be fulfilled.  I like that so much better than having to give up sugar :-)


Daring to Dream Again,
Von

GOD IS HOPE!

So today I spent most of the day completing the videos for Lauren's Memory Page.  Needless to say, I spent most of the day sobbing and crying.  Creating the videos and finding the songs to go along with the videos brought back memories that I have been trying to ignore.  I found several songs online that described perfectly how I felt about the loss of Lauren.  One of the songs I found today was a song called "With Hope" by Steven Curtis Chapman.

The Lyrics of the Song - With Hope Are...

This is not at all

how we thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams

And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done

And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

So, I decided to google Steven Curtis Chapman to see what inspired this song... I found out that he had written this song for one of his friends who lost a child tragically.  Two years later his 5 year old daughter was hit by a car and killed accidentally by her oldest brother.  So sad, but I know that the words of this song comforted them like it has comforted me today (although, I cried and cried while I listened to it).

During my google search I ran across this blog entry by someone (I have never read his blog, but this entry really helped me today). http://eugenecho.wordpress.com/2008/05/23/where-is-the-hope-in-the-steven-curtis-chapman-tragedy/  This entry was written in response to something he had written the previous day (I am not sure what the first entry said, because I did not read it).  Below is an excerpt from his page. Everywhere it says Steven Curtis Chapman, I replaced with my name (well almost everywhere).

Where is the hope in this death of Steven Curtis Chapman’s daughter? 

 How can you say God is good?

Let’s be honest here.  It is hard to say, “God is good,” during situations that bring us to utter pain and desolation.  But the path to hope and healing always goes through doubt, pain, anger, grief, and mourning.  To not be able to bring our honest and real anger, doubts, and pain to God makes a mockery of the veracity and the redemptive power and grace of Christ.

But there is a path.

There is Hope because Death Does Not Have the Final Say!  While I clearly cannot speak for God, I do not believe this death was the will of God.  It concerns me when Christians are so easily able to explain events as “this was the will of God.”  But nevertheless, it is not outside the Sovereignty of God.  In other words, God is in control, remains in control and will always be in control.  God was not surprised.  He is sovereign and He alone is God

There is HOPE – even in this tragedy – because it cannot separate us from the

love of God that is the gospel of Christ:

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. [Romans 8:38-39]

There is HOPE because the Chapmans do not journey alone.  For example, as evidenced by the millions that searched for their stories on search engines, the thousands [literally] of comments on the In Memory of Maria tribute and blog posts, people care.  The body of Christ cares.  When we don’t have the courage and strength to HOPE, others HOPE for us.  No one person or one family exists on an island to themselves.  This is the beauty of the body of Christ.

There is HOPE because ultimately, God cares.  He has not forgotten or forsaken. And He continues to use all circumstances and situations – even tragedies – to beckon His children and the larger creation – back unto Himself.  God restores.  God reconciles. God redeems.  There is HOPE because there is Life beyond this world.  There is HOPE because in short, there is God. 

God is HOPE.

THANK You to my family and friends who have reached out to me even when I haven't reached back.  Thank you for hoping for me while I have not had the strength to hope.  Thank you for caring for me and loving me and my children.

Daring to Dream Again,

Von

Remembering Lauren Victoria

I created a memory page for Lauren Victoria you can find it on the right side side under Pages by clicking Remembering Lauren Victoria or click http://dreamsrecovered.blogspot.com/p/rembering-lauren-victoria.html

Daring to Dream Again,
Von

The Blog Community (Blog Links)

When I started my first blog (the one hit wonder), I never dreamed that becoming a part of the blog world would help inspire me to never give up.  After the loss of my 2 sons Peyton and Peter, I found a couple of support group sites and the women on those sites helped me realize that my way of grieving wasn't wrong.  One day I would be okay, within the next 10 minutes I would be crying hysterically.  I found out this was normal.  I loved those groups and women for their support.  They helped me find others that I felt like truly understood my pain and they let me know that I was not alone in this battle and that there was hope.  My family and friends were great (well that is not exactly true, but it looks good when I write it), but they could only say they were sorry so many times.  I NEVER want anyone to ever experience the pain of losing a child.  I pray that all parents experience the joy of bringing home healthy babies that will live forever.  I hate that there are families who go through this pain everyday.  So when I see the blogs and read the entries of the support groups, it breaks my heart that they understand my pain, but our banning together to find the answers and solutions, sharing our faith and hope has been invaluable to me during this loss of Lauren.

I worked on Lauren's memory page and spent ALL night crying. I will try to finish it by tomorrow.  Also, I promise that this blog is going to be a happy blog and not just a sad blog, so bear with me.

I am adding these links (honestly, so I won't forget them), but also they may help you if you are going through something too.

Daring to Dream Again,
Von

Links to Blog Entries that Have Helped Me Through This Journey

Hope in The Waiting - I actually found this blog a couple of days prior to losing Lauren.  I read about her journey of losing her son.  Her faith helped me the day that I lost Lauren.  I began to sing the song that she sang as she learned her son had died, when the doctors told us they couldn't do anything else for Lauren.  Her faith walk is inspiring.  An inspiring blog entry - Going Deeper

Kelly's Korner- I think Kelly is the queen of blog land.  A couple of blogs that I read would always mention Kelly, but I never saw her blog until I was in the hospital.  Her blog is where I found out about a few of the blogs in this list.  I didn't realize that she is also a woman whose faith has helped her through a loss.  An inspiring blog entry - Getting Real

Dusty and Amy - I just found this blog today and this is what actually inspired me to write today's blog  entry.  An inspiring blog entry - Getting Real

Leslie Joy Evans - This blog gave me a deeper appreciation for life.  Sometimes when you are grieving you lose sight of things.  This blog reminded me not to lose sight.  It is a heartbreaking story.

Mostly Sweet - I have been following her since I met her at the adoption ceremony of one of my friends' children.  Her family is a foster family for newborns waiting to be placed with their adoptive families.  During the recent months, her mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and their faith through this journey has been truly inspiring.

The following blogs are stories of women that have a
TAC (Trans Abdominal Cerclage) - 

I believe that God has led me to learn about this surgery to give me Hope!

• Hope, Fully Growing
• A Second Line
• My Expected End
• My TAC Journey
• The Steiner Life
•  The Minnows
• Jaded Heart
• Heart in the Clouds

Support Group Sites, that have been amazing

• Abbyloopers
• IC Support Forum
• PPROM Forum

8 Days Later...

It has been 8 days since my precious daughter Lauren Victoria died and went to be with the Lord forever.  Today, as of this moment, I have not cried.  I have had a really bad sinus headache (thanks to living in Memphis) so I think the physical pain has made the emotional pain lessen.  The ache of my empty arms and empty womb still lingers, although the ache has lessened.  (Warning TMI coming up next...) I describe the fact that my breast leak milk as my breast grieving for Lauren.  Today, they are not leaking.  I still have not answered the phone for my concerned family and friends.  I still have not returned the text messages or wrote thank you cards.  I still don't feel like eating.  I still feel confused and dazed as to how this could happen.  I still don't know how God is going to fix this situation for me, my husband, my son or my family.  I still don't feel like leaving my bedroom or going anywhere.  My muscles are still weak after being on bedrest for almost 40 days.  I haven't slept through the night. I haven't packed up the massive amount of things from the hospital or any of Lauren's things. 

But for some reason, I have a glimmer of HOPE.  I feel that some way, some how, some day our family is going to be Victorious!  Last Monday after they took Lauren off of the ventilator and we held her as she coughed her last breath, I had no hope.  I felt so let down in my faith.  I felt that I had done everything "Christian-ly" that I knew to do.  I prayed every scripture, every prayer, everything that I was always taught would work.  We lost our sons Peyton in 2004 and Peter in 2005 (both at 16 weeks gestation), but this time I thought that we were at a different place spiritually and now we had the "answers" from the doctors and from the Lord. This was it, this was God's time to give us back everything the devil stole from us.  This was the time for us to fill our pink room, with the precious baby girl that we were surprisingly blessed with this year.  Lauren was perfect, her beautiful head of hair, her long little fingers, her gorgeous little feet.  She was perfect.  I left the hospital after being there for 34 days with nothing, no little bundle of joy, no fruit of the womb, no hope, no joy, no peace, nothing.  Just a heavy heart, breast leaking milk and no baby to give the milk to, an empty womb, empty arms, empty baby bed, swollen tear filled eyes.

But today, I fill hope.  Hope in our future, Hope in my faith, Hope in the Lord.

Daring to Dream Again,
Von

One Hit Wonder (Old Blog Link)

I am starting a new blog today.  One week ago today, my baby girl Lauren Victoria died in my arms after only 4 days of life.  I am forever changed and I am going to attempt to write through the pain and maybe I can help someone if they are going through something similar.  I have been inspired to keep the faith and hope by reading the blogs of women dealing with similar situations as me and mabe I can inspire someone else through their pain or just have an outlet to write down my thoughts :-)

My old blog was called Walking to My Own Beat - A Musical Journey to Life and Weightloss http://mylyricalthoughts.blogspot.com/ .. The plan was to start each blog with a song title and write about the journey to a new me.   Well, I was a one hit wonder with my old blog, only writing one blog entry until today.  I am going to begin writing in my new blog, but first, I am going to create a memory page for my little girl Lauren Victoria.  She lived her life in the NICU and my family and friends never got a chance to see her. I am going to also create pages for my other angels as well.

I plan on having more than one "hit" with this blog!

Daring to Dream Again,
Von