Dreams of Sugar and a Big Thank You!

So, today I told people about Lauren Victoria's memory page.  It was a pretty emotional decision to tell people about it, because until now I have grieved alone in my room with the door closed.  I did not want to make my family and friends feel sad or feel sorry for me, but I knew that they cared about Lauren and never got a chance to see her.  I did not realize that they had hopes for her too, dreams of her coming over to visit them and holding her, outfits picked out for her and presents for a baby shower.  I knew that my husband, son and parents had a vested interest in Lauren, but I selfishly forgot about others.  There is this saying at church (probably just African American churches) "charge it to my head and not to my heart".  Honestly, my heart was just breaking and I couldn't see the pain of other people.  I didn't realize that because people love me that they hurt for me. When we left the hospital after Lauren died I felt so unloved and alone.  I shielded myself from others because of the fear of being hurt by their words.  I could not bear any more hurt.  After I lost my sons Peter and Peyton, the words of my family and friends cut deep and I can still hear them 6 years later.  Words like "Oh, just have another one", "maybe your body doesn't want to be pregnant", "you shouldn't try again", "what is wrong with you", "God is just testing you", "God wanted your child as an angel" and I could go on and on.  Dear Blog Friends. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, don't say these types of things to your grieving family and friends.  Having another child never replaces your lost children.  My sons Peter and Peyton although they died at birth meant so much to me.  They were my children and their lives mattered to me.  When the people closest to me made it seem like their lives did not matter, it just broke my heart.  I decided that this time, I was not going to let anyone in to break my already terribly broken heart.  So, I didn't answer the phone,emails, Facebook messages, text messages or the door.

Little did I know that you guys were hurting too.  Today, I just want to say THANK YOU for sharing my daughter with me, for visiting her page, for watching her videos and showing that you think her life mattered to you.  THANK YOU so much for caring and loving my family.  We appreciate your prayers and your love.

(DISCLAIMER - If you know me personally, you know that I talk a lot and apparently I type a lot too :-)  So sorry!  Honestly, this blog as been my only outlet, so I promise that as time goes on, the entries will get shorter and happier.  Also, I really do have a college degree, so please disregard the poor English on my page.   I often go back and read what I wrote and say - I can't believe I published that entry with those fragments or improperly written sentences.)  

Okay back to the Sugar Dream. :-)

Today I dreamed about Sugar.  I was sitting on the couch eating a big bag of white sugar with a spoon. I got tired of eating that sugar and decided to grab a bag of brown sugar and started eating it with a bigger spoon..... I woke up and could taste sugar like it really happened.  I even went into the kitchen to see if maybe I really ate sugar, but thank goodness it was just a dream.  I am wondering what that means.  Maybe it was my body's way of saying, "hey, give up sugar".  WELL, maybe not :-)  I think it was saying sweet things are coming and sweet dreams will be fulfilled.  I like that so much better than having to give up sugar :-)


Daring to Dream Again,
Von