Roller Coaster - Ticket for One

As promised, I finally looked up the stages of grief.  I am not sure if I thought that a website link would tell me that grief will last exactly two months and one day or if some how finding out what stage of grief I was in would make me feel better, but neither of these were the case.  I looked at site after site, longing for a time frame, no one would say.  Although, I knew that no one held "the magic answer", but I was really hoping for one.

I did however, find site after site using the word "roller coaster" and ups and downs.  If you knew me, you would know that I DO NOT like roller coasters or ups and downs.  I love amusement parks and Disney World is the best place on earth, but roller coasters or rides that take you "up and down" are not in the least bit amusing to me.  I don't like that feeling in your stomach when a ride takes you up then down really fast.  However, I have been "peer pressured" a couple of times to ride on these hideous monsters called roller coasters.  I normally sit next to the thrill seeking person in my life that called me a "chicken" and coerced me using taunting tactics to ride with them.  Our roller coaster cart climbs the hill and I am sitting there with a giant knot in my stomach knowing that we are going to have to get down this hill.  Their hands go up in the air and they start screaming  "YAY" and I sit there bargaining with God with my eyes squeezed tight, saying "if you just let me off of this ride I will do whatever you want, for real this time.  I will take mission trips, read the Bible every day, and I promise you I will never get on this ride again".  Then I question if my seat belt is buckled properly.  After the ride ends, I generally don't speak to the person that sat next to me on this ride for about 15 minutes.

I really think it is the lack of control that I don't like.  I do not like planes, trains, buses and public transportation, because I am not in control of the driving.  I don't like riding in automobiles driven by other people (you have to be really special for me to ride with you and if you drive crazy just one time, I will NEVER ride with you again, EVER, really ever).  I do not like not knowing what is going to happen.  On my last trip to Disney World, right before I would get on the ride, I would ask the "ride attendant" what exactly is going to happen on this ride, is it going to go off the ground, is it going to get dark, I need to know what is going to happen exactly.  I don't like things to be unpredictable, like roller skates, in-line roller blades, bicycles without training wheels, motorcycles, things that go too high, things that go too fast (and so on).  You will never see me jumping off of any thing, being flung into the air or any of that.

So, you have to know that during my grief research when I read that I was going to be on this endless roller coaster of emotions, I became very distraught.  I knew I was feeling up and down, but I didn't want to know that I could be fine for a few months and then have a total random melt down.  "YAY", I can't wait for that (written with a ton of sarcasm).

Even, love!  I love, love.  I am a hopeless romantic, you know the kind, candle lights, rose petals, dancing and the whole nine yards, but I hate that feeling of falling in love.  Seriously, I remember a few months after meeting my husband, I was so mad at him that I was falling in love.  I hate falling, doesn't that mean that I was high on something and I fell off?  Either way, I remember having these emotions that I couldn't control (I liked him, no I hated him; no, I loved him, no let's break up, no let's stay together forever).  It was crazy and I didn't like the feeling, I couldn't control it and I went kicking and screaming into love with my husband.  Did I say kicking and screaming.

So, in writing this blog entry, I realize that I have a control problem.  I inherited it, I really did, you should meet my mom, aunts, and grandmom "super control freaks".  I realize that I can not control my life and that is something God does, but I would love to make plans that work out.

One good thing about my research on grief is that I found out that cleaning up is often a sign of grief.  I have cleaned closets, dresser drawers, and kitchen cabinets that have been messy for years.  I organized mail and bills and have thrown away a mountain of trash, recycled five boxes of magazines, and took 6 car loads of things to the Goodwill.  I even cleaned out my car (the trunk and the glove compartment).  My husband has changed around furniture in rooms, cleaned out the flower beds and fixed things that have been broken for years.  I thought that somehow Lauren's death brought out the inner organizer in us, but turns out it is just a part of grief (We needed something to control).  I am so glad that I did not run out and get business cards printed up saying "personal organizer to the stars" or something crazy like that, because apparently this too shall pass and my natural "hoarder" personality may return.

So here I sit today, some how on this grief coaster.  Right now, I am hanging on for dear life, I have my eyes squeezed shut, I'm bargaining again to God (the ride attendant) and asking Him what exactly is going to happen on this ride, how long is it going to last, and is my seat belt buckled properly?  I know He is in control and that somehow just like the Zippin Pippin this ride will end.

Daring to Dream Again,
Von

(P.S. - for my non Memphis readers, the Zippin Pippin was the oldest wooden roller coaster in the United States originally located at Liberty Land in Memphis, TN (the location of my first job, ever).  Made famous for being Elvis Presley's favorite roller coaster.  I googled the Zippin Pippin and it has its own blog and web cam.  The roller coaster is being moved to Green Bay, WI and this Memphis girl does not plan on going to WI to visiting or ride the coaster.)

Below are pictures (proof of my hatred of all things up and down) that I took of my husband on rides at Universal Studios in my role as official picture taker.  :-)  You should have seen his green face after getting on these coasters and rides.  For some reason, I think his eyes were probably squeezed shut too, but he would never say that out loud.  Good thing he doesn't read my blog.