It has been 8 days since my precious daughter Lauren Victoria died and went to be with the Lord forever. Today, as of this moment, I have not cried. I have had a really bad sinus headache (thanks to living in Memphis) so I think the physical pain has made the emotional pain lessen. The ache of my empty arms and empty womb still lingers, although the ache has lessened. (Warning TMI coming up next...) I describe the fact that my breast leak milk as my breast grieving for Lauren. Today, they are not leaking. I still have not answered the phone for my concerned family and friends. I still have not returned the text messages or wrote thank you cards. I still don't feel like eating. I still feel confused and dazed as to how this could happen. I still don't know how God is going to fix this situation for me, my husband, my son or my family. I still don't feel like leaving my bedroom or going anywhere. My muscles are still weak after being on bedrest for almost 40 days. I haven't slept through the night. I haven't packed up the massive amount of things from the hospital or any of Lauren's things.
But for some reason, I have a glimmer of HOPE. I feel that some way, some how, some day our family is going to be Victorious! Last Monday after they took Lauren off of the ventilator and we held her as she coughed her last breath, I had no hope. I felt so let down in my faith. I felt that I had done everything "Christian-ly" that I knew to do. I prayed every scripture, every prayer, everything that I was always taught would work. We lost our sons Peyton in 2004 and Peter in 2005 (both at 16 weeks gestation), but this time I thought that we were at a different place spiritually and now we had the "answers" from the doctors and from the Lord. This was it, this was God's time to give us back everything the devil stole from us. This was the time for us to fill our pink room, with the precious baby girl that we were surprisingly blessed with this year. Lauren was perfect, her beautiful head of hair, her long little fingers, her gorgeous little feet. She was perfect. I left the hospital after being there for 34 days with nothing, no little bundle of joy, no fruit of the womb, no hope, no joy, no peace, nothing. Just a heavy heart, breast leaking milk and no baby to give the milk to, an empty womb, empty arms, empty baby bed, swollen tear filled eyes.
But today, I fill hope. Hope in our future, Hope in my faith, Hope in the Lord.
Daring to Dream Again,
Von
4 comments:
Hope is what we must have. I remember a particular scripture (not sure if I am quoting it right); "if only in this life we have hope in Christ, we are all of men most miserable". God desires that we have hope. We may not understand his ways (I still don't), but we know all works together for the good of them that love the Lord and are called according to his purpose. Lifting you, your husband, and your son up in prayers.
Thanks Marie, I needed that reminder!
Thoughts and prayers with are with you. I am so so sorry for your loss. I shed a tear for my daughter and yours reading these sweet words. Love you. xoxo.
Hey Sara, I found your blog to be a great inspiration regarding IC and TAC. I was excited to see your journey and the great outcome of your son. Thank you for sharing your journey and giving me hope for a brighter day!
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