It's been one month, now what... (Letter to Lauren)

Dear Lauren Victoria,

One month ago today, you went to be with the Lord and your two brothers (Peter and Peyton). I love you so much baby girl, you were the most beautiful little girl ever made.  You were such a little fighter and a strong baby.  I remember how you would take out your tubes and move your eye mask around.  Everyone was so amazed at how well you did and how feisty you were.  You were defying all the odds, but then your tiny 1 pound body just got too tired.  I cried as I watched your daddy hold you and tell you how much he loved you and how sorry he was as you took your last breath.  We felt so helpless. 

I don't know when I will quit counting the days since you left or when the tears lessen, but I miss you.  I can see your little face in my dreams and certain things remind me of your smell.  I haven't figured out what I am supposed to be doing now that you are gone.  I realize that I am still a wife to your dad and a mother to your brother, but everything seems so off now.  I have this intense feeling of emptiness and moving on seems impossible.  Your dad tells me that you want me to be happy and live my life to the fullest, but I just haven't figured out what my life is without you in it.

It is so hard to give up the dreams that I had for you.  I dreamed of fixing your hair even though, honestly, I think your nana was going to have to fix it, because I have no idea how to do a little girl's hair, but I had this dream of learning.  I dreamed that we would have the type of relationship that I have with my mom and we would have mommy-daughter days.  I dreamed of watching all of your "firsts", your first smile, your first laugh, your first word (which, I'm sure was going to be mama :-), your first step and your first day of school.

I still haven't figured out this grieving process.  I don't know what is right or wrong.  I don't know if there is a such thing as crying too much.  I don't know if maybe I have listened to too many sad songs.  I don't know if I have kept myself closed in my room too long or laid in the bed for too many hours.  Honestly, mommy just doesn't know much of anything these days.

I'm sorry mommy's body didn't hold you in my womb longer.  I am so sorry, Lauren.

Lauren, I want you to know that way you fought to survive was the "strongest most courageous thing " I have ever seen.  I just can not express how proud I am of you.  Mommy is never going to forget you.  Mommy is going to figure out how to make your life matter, at least to me.  Mommy is going to figure out where to go from here, but I am going to take your memory with me.

I love you so much Lauren Victoria and I miss you.

Love you forever and always, Mommy