Today, I'm Not Okay (The Ramblings of A Grieving Mother)

Actually yesterday, I wasn't okay either.  I am not exactly sure what the stages of grief and loss are or how long its socially acceptable to grieve.  But, today, I am not okay.  I am emotionally everywhere (sad, hopeful, happy, angry then sad, hopeful, happy and angry again).  I am angry at my friends and family for assuming that I should be fine.  I am angry that maybe my "acceptable" time for grieving my daughter is done. I am angry that it is the holiday season and I have to plan when I am supposed to be in the hospital holding Lauren in my belly.  I am angry that people anticipate that I am going to be the same Von I was last year.  I am not, and maybe it is only temporary, but I am not the same Von from this time last year.  I am not the same girl that will laugh at your jokes even when they aren't funny, that will listen to your problems and try to find the solution for you, that wants to help.  Today, I don't feel like helping and I don't want to go places, hang out, talk on the phone or be normal. I am not normal.

Today, I am trying to figure out if I agree with the statement that it is better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all.  Is it really?  My husband and I were so pleasantly surprised by our little miracle baby.  We were not trying to get pregnant, but we were overjoyed.  Yesterday, I thought what if this year were different and I had not found out I was expecting my baby girl, there was no bedrest, no NICU stay, no baby in a grave, would I be happier right now?  Probably, but does that I mean I wish she never came, no...

I feel bad for being so emotionally all over the place.  I feel bad for "checking out" as my husband describes it. I feel bad for crying when my son mentions his sister and how she isn't coming to our house.  I feel bad for the people I have not been able to talk to on the phone or let come to my house.  I feel bad that I don't want to come over for Thanksgiving or Christmas.  I feel bad for even typing this blog entry today.  And then I feel angry for having to feel bad....and then I feel bad for feeling angry.... This sucks.

Maybe these emotions are coming up because today we have been dealing with the insurance company, the social security people, finding out about Lauren's death certificate. or maybe because the couple of times, when I finally answered the phone, the people on the other end, didn't even mention Lauren like she didn't exist and they talked to me like nothing ever happened and/or I should move on.

Today, I can't move on, I can't pretend for the sake of others that I am okay.  I can't fake laugh for you to make you feel better.  I can't move on, because today, I am not okay..

And Honestly, I am not even in the mood to "Dare to Dream",
Von

P.S. - I do know that it is going to get better.  I do know that God has a plan, I do know that God is with me, but today He feels a little further away than normal.  Today, I'm just not okay